By Debbie Potts
Personalities Specialist

I recently attended the wedding of Michelle and Brian, which took place in the wonderful space of an inner courtyard of the Henry Ford Museum. The priest talked about the correct way to forgive in marriage. He told Michelle and Brian not to say “I’m sorry”, and not to say “It’s OK.”

Saying “I’m sorry” means that I am sorry that I did something wrong. I am sorry that I got caught. I am sorry that you are hurt. “I’m sorry” is asking for the damage to be overlooked. “I’m sorry” is asking for justification of the wrong. “I’m sorry” is not saying that what I did was wrong, it’s asking that the wrong be excused. Saying “I’m sorry” is appropriate when the thing is an accident, like spilling coffee on someone. Saying “I’m sorry” is not appropriate when, out of anger, coffee is thrown on someone.

Replying “It’s OK” is excusing the wrong. Replying “It’s OK” is denying hurt. Replying “It’s OK” negates the reality of the offense. Saying “It’s OK” is taking some of the blame on yourself. Saying “It’s OK” is appropriate when coffee is spilled on you. Saying “It’s OK” is not appropriate when coffee is deliberately thrown on you.

This pattern can set itself up in families and marriages and become a pattern of deceit and unhealthy relationship. The wrong must be admitted, forgiveness must be sought, and given in order for healthy relationships in families.
Instead of “I’m sorry”, say “Will you forgive me?” “Will you forgive me” claims the offense as sin. “Will you forgive me” removes any blame on the other person. “Will you forgive me” is not looking for the offense to be overlooked, or justified.

Instead of “It’s OK”, say “I forgive you”. Saying “I forgive you” is not excusing the wrong. Saying “I forgive you” is not denying hurt. Saying “I forgive you” is not taking any blame.

The priest asked Michelle and Brian to face each other and practice these phrases during the wedding ceremony. That was wise of him. That will help Michelle and Brian to remember, after having mouthed these words that are so unfamiliar in our society.

I hope it helps me to remember too.
…because U count, debbie